When it rains, it pours.

Let me just say that I’m sick and tired of feeling like this. I seriously wake up most mornings and just feel like absolute and total shit.

Yesterday-Monday- I had a therapy session again and my weekly weight check. My aunt went with me and we did a little bit of running around afterward. Just for the record, I wasn’t planning to do anything with them or anything. I just wanted to get rid of them just incase any urges did occur…but my weight check was eye opening. I, once again, gained more weight. I’m so ridiculously far from the weight that I want to be at now, it’s so discouraging. I’ve been trying to figure out what I’m feeling that drives me to binge but now it’s more of a habit thing. I’m best lines for tinder bio for guys perfectly fine when I’m in school and out doing things with friends and family. But when I’m home, things fall apart. Fast. I absolutely hate being home and I do anything in my power to avoid going home.

I purged twice this week. The first time was right after I told my Mom it had been a week since I purged. =[ She told me she was proud of me. After that, I felt horrible. My Gram on the other hand thinks I’m constantly purging in my room. She insists that she can smell the vomit, but nobody else can smell a thing, including my Mom and me. Whatever. In attempts to try to stop my eating spells, I’m trying to let this fact set in my thick skull: Food is not doing what you are trying to make it do, so stop trying. Try something new.

My session went fairly well, I even gave my therapist my pocket full of pills that I had from when I wasn’t taking my medication

Monday night I went to an AA meeting, not for me, and I really liked it. Really. As we all know, alcohol serves the same purpose to alcoholics as food-or lack of it-does for us. We listened to a man tell his story and how the alcohol problem impacted himself and his family and friends. I feel like I’ve heard his story a million times because all addictions impact people’s lives in similar ways. An addictions an addiction, no matter what you’re addicted to and this meeting really reinforced that fact. It also made me feel less alone. Despite the fact that I couldn’t relate to being an alcoholic, I could relate to their feelings of rejection, loneliness, fear, hopelessness, and the list goes on and on. In short, I wish that I could go to AA meetings every week and just simply listen and feel like I’m not alone.

I have been writing this blog for a few days now, so let me be clear on what day I’m talking about. Tuesday after school, my aunt and I went to the bank to see how much money I have to see if I can pay our phone bill. Thank goodness I have enough! Unfortunately, it will empty my account but hopefully I’ll get a call back from one of the many places I applied to. We also did a lot of running around again, in the rain. It was surprisingly fun. We met up at Target with her friend and we all had Starbucks. =]

When I got home I got an unexpected text from Ryan! I was even more excited about that. That night, one of my best friends, Sabrina, came over to my house. She had been upset all day at school because her boyfriend(one of my ex boyfriends) broke up with her for reasons out of her control. I felt bad for her and knew that she needed a girls night out. We made fools of ourselves outside of my house to the point where my neighbors came outside to ask us if we were okay. =] We had a lot on needed fun. Tuesday was a good, good day.